This Can't Be Real

For the last few hours, I've been searching & discovering more blogs and Facebook groups for those who lost their spouse. I was feeling a lot of encouragement as I found more people who understand the exact loss that I have experienced, and I was feeling a bit of hope that if so many of these people are living happy, fulfilling lives once again that maybe, just MAYBE, I can, too, one day. And then suddenly, less than a minute ago, it hit me....

"Holy shit! I can't believe it...I'm one of them. How is this possible? No, this can't be real. He's not dead...NO! But...he is dead. And I am one of them now. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. How can this be real?"

As tears swelled up in my eyes, and my heart shattered further into smaller pieces, reality set back in. Maybe it's my imagination, but I've never felt tears fall from my eyes as heavy as my tears are now since Alfonso's death. Has anybody else experienced this difference?

I can hear Alfonso, in my mind, telling me to get off the computer and go to bed, because "It's late, and you need your rest." God, it used to annoy me so much when he would always urge me to go to bed; I was always staying up very late. And now, I'd give anything in the world to hear him nag me to come to bed once again.

 

 

 

Our cat, Lily, on her daddy's back, in our bed.