I find myself looking at the clock as every single minute passes by. I am dreading midnight. I can feel the anxiety building up inside of me like a panicked feral animal with no rationality; just pure panic. It's funny though, because on the outside, I look completely calm. But on the inside, there's a menacing storm raging and only getting worse by the minute. I know there's nothing in my power to stop time from going forward, but my heart doesn't understand it. My heart keeps pleading with the world to just stop turning...to not go any further ahead. I don't want to get any further away from Alfonso than I already am. I don't want to start a new year without him!!
We used to watch the Military Channel A LOT at home. He loved this channel, and whenever he was home, it would be on for countless hours. In time, I became very interested in it, as well. Eventually, I started learning stuff and was able to recognize weapons, maneuvers, wars & strategies. When I'd make an observation like this and say something to him, he would look at me with this sincere lust in his eyes and tell me, "Damn it, you turn me on so much! You are so freaking hot!" LOL Who ever knew that the Military Channel could be four-play?! But I digress...there would be many times when he was away on the road, and I would really miss him. I'd have trouble falling asleep at night, so I would turn on the Military Channel and fall asleep to that. It gave me a sense of comfort and helped me pretend that he was there with me, just like on nights we'd crawl into bed, and I'd fall asleep nestled up to him while he watched it. I'd fall asleep to the sounds of WWII...lol... ironic how the sounds of a war would lull me to sleep. LOL...How many documentaries about Hitler did I fall asleep to....or Special Forces training shows & documentaries?!?!? After his death, I found that watching this channel would soothe me some, but in a bittersweet way. So tonight, it's playing on the TV, keeping me company...letting me pretend that he's just in the living room watching TV, as I sit in the bedroom on the computer. I know that I'm fooling myself, but sometimes trickery is less cruel than the reality of it all.
It's been nearly 2 months since his actual death. The reason why I say "actual" is because his soul left his body on November 4th, but I knew in my heart, no matter how hard I tried to negotiate with the powers that be, he was mortally gone the afternoon this all happened on October 25th. Every day is one more day without him, and I hate it. I try so hard to be more enlightened and universal with comprehending that love is without tangible boundaries, but I'm finding it difficult to get any comfort out of that. Sometimes I wish I could possess the faith that a lot of people do....I wish I could believe that there's a God, and he has some sort of plan, and that in the end, it will work out the best for everyone, and that "there's a reason for everything". But............................with all that I've seen, listened to, and have learned, I don't have that kind of faith within me. It's not that I don't believe in a God, but rather, I don't think I believe in a tangible, puppet string-pulling God who will make judgment upon us comparing our good vs. evil scorecard. I don't think that I believe in someone who has a plan, and we're all here just going along for the ride. Once I leave this mortal world, perhaps I will be proven wrong. And I'm okay with that. Because if I was to say that I believed differently, I would be lying and not being sincere. Anyhow, I just wish I was capable of finding comfort in faith, but I can't.
In these last few weeks, my strength, my self-worth, my self-preservation...they have been slowly returning to me. I'm still struggling with finding a purpose to be here, but at least now I remember that there is one; I just need to still find what it is. Color is slowly being restored to my world thanks to a very special person I encountered nearly a week before Christmas. He can relate to this life-changing devastation I'm experiencing. Even though I'm surrounded by people who love me (which I am FOREVER grateful for), and many who have lost people who were close to them (child, brother, sister, mother, father), I don't know why it is, and I hope that this doesn't come off unappreciative or minimizing their loss, but I still have felt so alone on this journey. It's as if my soul sits in the middle of the Sahara Desert without a single other soul in sight...all alone. But for whatever reason, this person was able to reach me, helping me remember who I was before losing the other half of me...mi media naranja. I feel like an amputee. But thanks to the help from this friend, I might be able to find my inner-strength to be able to walk once again rather than crawl & drag myself along the ground. It sounds crazy, but I think Alfonso helped us cross paths. I really needed a friend who could actually relate to me. I feel like Alfonso is still taking care of me from beyond. Thanks to this person, Christmas wasn't as scary as I was fearing. And though today is bad....so very bad...and in 1 hour and 8 minutes, I feel like I'm going to shatter into a million more little pieces, I know that there's a little hope. If my friend can keep going on after what he went through and is going through, then his example shows me that I can make it through, too, even when it misleadingly appears impossible (if YOU ever read this...THANK YOU for everything!!!).
It's now 11:02PM EST. There's only 58 minutes left until 2011 is gone. Spending NYE together was always important for Alfonso and I. We wanted to always enter the new year together. There were a few times that one of us had to go to the other person's job just to be together. I think we only missed one NYE, because he had to be on the road with my dad.
It's now 11:06PM EST...time is ticking away. The panic is at a catastrophic level inside of me right now. It's now 11:07PM EST. In 53 minutes, it'll all be gone. My life with Alfonso will be left behind as 2011 disappears. I'm scared of what the future holds for me. I have hopes of love, happiness, and purpose in 2012, but it's still all very scary, especially when you're looking into the darkness of the unknown. 11:10PM EST. I think the storm that's inside of me is starting to reach the surface...my body is starting to tremble; my hands & arms are shaking no matter how hard I try to control them. Thank goodness for the delete button on this keyboard; otherwise, no sense would be made of all the typos I keep making. I think what I'm experiencing is the complete, ultra loss of all control. I have no control of time. I have no control of the universe.
There's this song that keeps playing in my head as time continues slipping away. It's Jem's song, "24". There's a line in the chorus that goes,
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me
When I hear this, I feel like Alfonso is telling this to me. Living a life of quality to its fullest was always so important to him.
11:19PM EST....41 more minutes until the end of this year. I keep trying to tell myself that it's only another day, but I can't seem to actually convince myself of this. Maybe if I just keep trying?
11:24PM EST....I don't want to let go of anymore minutes. I want to hold onto all 36 minutes as tight as I can!! But..................knowing that is irrationally impossible, I'm going to make myself..........do...... do what's best to keep living. It's what Alfonso would want me to do. Whenever I didn't feel like doing something, and if it was needed to be done, he often would quote Tony Robbins to me, "Motion creates emotion." So even though I don't feel like getting up and bringing in the new year with anyone, I'll put one foot in front of the other and do so. Perhaps the motion will lessen the emotional panic inside of me. Plus, who better to bring in the new year than my baby sister, my nephew, my niece, and our mutual friends? Alfonso will still be my side; I know he will be.
So, with 18 minutes left of 2011, I wish you all love, inner peace, and lots of happiness for 2012. Don't forget to take the time to let those that you love know how important they are to you on a regular basis. It's too easy for all of us to take life for granted sometimes; we forget how temporary it really is.
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| Joaquin (Al's brother), Alfonso, and Magda (Al's cousin), and his cousin, Ray, in the background, in our kitchen. This wasn't New Year's Eve, but it was one of our annual holiday dinners at our home. Family was/is most important to Alfonso; he cherished all of them (us) so much. (And he would be SO mad if he knew I posted this pic...he hated his hair in this pic! lol...Sorry, my love! But you are still beautiful to me!) |
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2012 UPDATE - 4:41AM EST
The last 10 minutes of 2011, I spent with my little sister, Krystal, my nephew, Kaleb, my niece, Kyleigh, and our friends. The advice that Alfonso would normally give me, "Motion creates emotion", was successful, as it always has been. I didn't cry; I actually smiled & laughed and gave my sister, nephew, and niece kisses & hugs as the new year came in. I was in the moment and was doing pretty good. I stayed a few hours after, and I'm glad that I went down there to be with my family. It's not as if I get the opportunity very often to celebrate a new year with my little sister and the munchkins (I really can't remember the last time we were together for this). Of course, now as it's quieted back down, Alfonso is heavy on my mind again. I miss him. I wish he was here to share kisses with me as the clock struck midnight. Perhaps he did kiss me, and I just didn't realize it. Yeah...I'd like to think that is what happened.
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