I'm not ready for this year to end yet...

Less than 2 hours, where I sit, it will be 2012 (5 hours more back home in California). I've spent the entire day sick (chest cold), with a headache, my voice is gone - nothing more than just a whisper, and I've just spent the entire day alone. My sister is near and wants me to come over to celebrate with her & others, and I know that this would be the healthier of my options. But....I.....just don't want to. Something inside of me is holding on SO tight not to let this year go. If I let 2011 go, and allow 2012 to come in, it means that I'm forced to have to let go of Alfonso even more. And the emotions that come with letting go of someone you love so dearly are intense and incomprehensible. I've lost loved ones before, but never my partner/lover/best friend/mi media naranja. I have never lost a part of me like this.

I find myself looking at the clock as every single minute passes by. I am dreading midnight. I can feel the anxiety building up inside of me like a panicked feral animal with no rationality; just pure panic. It's funny though, because on the outside, I look completely calm. But on the inside, there's a menacing storm raging and only getting worse by the minute. I know there's nothing in my power to stop time from going forward, but my heart doesn't understand it. My heart keeps pleading with the world to just stop turning...to not go any further ahead. I don't want to get any further away from Alfonso than I already am. I don't want to start a new year without him!!

We used to watch the Military Channel A LOT at home. He loved this channel, and whenever he was home, it would be on for countless hours. In time, I became very interested in it, as well. Eventually, I started learning stuff and was able to recognize weapons, maneuvers, wars & strategies. When I'd make an observation like this and say something to him, he would look at me with this sincere lust in his eyes and tell me, "Damn it, you turn me on so much! You are so freaking hot!" LOL  Who ever knew that the Military Channel could be four-play?! But I digress...there would be many times when he was away on the road, and I would really miss him. I'd have trouble falling asleep at night, so I would turn on the Military Channel and fall asleep to that. It gave me a sense of comfort and helped me pretend that he was there with me, just like on nights we'd crawl into bed, and I'd fall asleep nestled up to him while he watched it. I'd fall asleep to the sounds of WWII...lol... ironic how the sounds of a war would lull me to sleep. LOL...How many documentaries about Hitler did I fall asleep to....or Special Forces training shows & documentaries?!?!? After his death, I found that watching this channel would soothe me some, but in a bittersweet way. So tonight, it's playing on the TV, keeping me company...letting me pretend that he's just in the living room watching TV, as I sit in the bedroom on the computer. I know that I'm fooling myself, but sometimes trickery is less cruel than the reality of it all.

It's been nearly 2 months since his actual death. The reason why I say "actual" is because his soul left his body on November 4th, but I knew in my heart, no matter how hard I tried to negotiate with the powers that be, he was mortally gone the afternoon this all happened on October 25th. Every day is one more day without him, and I hate it. I try so hard to be more enlightened and universal with comprehending that love is without tangible boundaries, but I'm finding it difficult to get any comfort out of that. Sometimes I wish I could possess the faith that a lot of people do....I wish I could believe that there's a God, and he has some sort of plan, and that in the end, it will work out the best for everyone, and that "there's a reason for everything". But............................with all that I've seen, listened to, and have learned, I don't have that kind of faith within me. It's not that I don't believe in a God, but rather, I don't think I believe in a tangible, puppet string-pulling God who will make judgment upon us comparing our good vs. evil scorecard. I don't think that I believe in someone who has a plan, and we're all here just going along for the ride. Once I leave this mortal world, perhaps I will be proven wrong. And I'm okay with that. Because if I was to say that I believed differently, I would be lying and not being sincere. Anyhow, I just wish I was capable of finding comfort in faith, but I can't.

In these last few weeks, my strength, my self-worth, my self-preservation...they have been slowly returning to me. I'm still struggling with finding a purpose to be here, but at least now I remember that there is one; I just need to still find what it is. Color is slowly being restored to my world thanks to a very special person I encountered nearly a week before Christmas. He can relate to this life-changing devastation I'm experiencing. Even though I'm surrounded by people who love me (which I am FOREVER grateful for), and many who have lost people who were close to them (child, brother, sister, mother, father), I don't know why it is, and I hope that this doesn't come off unappreciative or minimizing their loss, but I still have felt so alone on this journey. It's as if my soul sits in the middle of the Sahara Desert without a single other soul in sight...all alone. But for whatever reason, this person was able to reach me, helping me remember who I was before losing the other half of me...mi media naranja. I feel like an amputee. But thanks to the help from this friend, I might be able to find my inner-strength to be able to walk once again rather than crawl & drag myself along the ground. It sounds crazy, but I think Alfonso helped us cross paths. I really needed a friend who could actually relate to me. I feel like Alfonso is still taking care of me from beyond. Thanks to this person, Christmas wasn't as scary as I was fearing. And though today is bad....so very bad...and in 1 hour and 8 minutes, I feel like I'm going to shatter into a million more little pieces, I know that there's a little hope. If my friend can keep going on after what he went through and is going through, then his example shows me that I can make it through, too, even when it misleadingly appears impossible (if YOU ever read this...THANK YOU for everything!!!).  

It's now 11:02PM EST. There's only 58 minutes left until 2011 is gone. Spending NYE together was always important for Alfonso and I. We wanted to always enter the new year together. There were a few times that one of us had to go to the other person's job just to be together. I think we only missed one NYE, because he had to be on the road with my dad.

It's now 11:06PM EST...time is ticking away. The panic is at a catastrophic level inside of me right now. It's now 11:07PM EST. In 53 minutes, it'll all be gone. My life with Alfonso will be left behind as 2011 disappears. I'm scared of what the future holds for me. I have hopes of love, happiness, and purpose in 2012, but it's still all very scary, especially when you're looking into the darkness of the unknown. 11:10PM EST. I think the storm that's inside of me is starting to reach the surface...my body is starting to tremble; my hands & arms are shaking no matter how hard I try to control them. Thank goodness for the delete button on this keyboard; otherwise, no sense would be made of all the typos I keep making. I think what I'm experiencing is the complete, ultra loss of all control. I have no control of time. I have no control of the universe.

There's this song that keeps playing in my head as time continues slipping away. It's Jem's song, "24". There's a line in the chorus that goes,

I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

When I hear this, I feel like Alfonso is telling this to me. Living a life of quality to its fullest was always so important to him. 

11:19PM EST....41 more minutes until the end of this year. I keep trying to tell myself that it's only another day, but I can't seem to actually convince myself of this. Maybe if I just keep trying?

11:24PM EST....I don't want to let go of anymore minutes. I want to hold onto all 36 minutes as tight as I can!! But..................knowing that is irrationally impossible, I'm going to make myself..........do...... do what's best to keep living. It's what Alfonso would want me to do. Whenever I didn't feel like doing something, and if it was needed to be done, he often would quote Tony Robbins to me, "Motion creates emotion." So even though I don't feel like getting up and bringing in the new year with anyone, I'll put one foot in front of the other and do so. Perhaps the motion will lessen the emotional panic inside of me. Plus, who better to bring in the new year than my baby sister, my nephew, my niece, and our mutual friends? Alfonso will still be my side; I know he will be.

So, with 18 minutes left of 2011, I wish you all love, inner peace, and lots of happiness for 2012. Don't forget to take the time to let those that you love know how important they are to you on a regular basis. It's too easy for all of us to take life for granted sometimes; we forget how temporary it really is.

Joaquin (Al's brother), Alfonso, and Magda (Al's cousin), and his cousin, Ray, in the background, in our kitchen.
This wasn't New Year's Eve, but it was one of our annual holiday dinners at our home.
Family was/is most important to Alfonso; he cherished all of them (us) so much.
(And he would be SO mad if he knew I posted this pic...he hated his hair in this pic! lol...Sorry, my love!
But you are still beautiful to me!)

___________________________________________________________

2012 UPDATE - 4:41AM EST

The last 10 minutes of 2011, I spent with my little sister, Krystal, my nephew, Kaleb, my niece, Kyleigh, and our friends. The advice that Alfonso would normally give me, "Motion creates emotion", was successful, as it always has been. I didn't cry; I actually smiled & laughed and gave my sister, nephew, and niece kisses & hugs as the new year came in. I was in the moment and was doing pretty good. I stayed a few hours after, and I'm glad that I went down there to be with my family. It's not as if I get the opportunity very often to celebrate a new year with my little sister and the munchkins (I really can't remember the last time we were together for this). Of course, now as it's quieted back down, Alfonso is heavy on my mind again. I miss him. I wish he was here to share kisses with me as the clock struck midnight. Perhaps he did kiss me, and I just didn't realize it. Yeah...I'd like to think that is what happened. 

3 Days Before Xmas...Words of Advice

I'll give fair warning now: this blog will lack organization and my thoughts will be scattered. I am overloaded & overwhelmed with emotions at this moment. Nothing is organized in my head right now. I'm a disheveled mess. 
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I've been emotionally needing to blog for many, many days (maybe a few weeks? I can't remember), but I've been avoiding it, because all it does is confirm that I'm without him. And I'm good at avoiding things that cause me discomfort (my avoidance technique used to irritate Alfonso a lot; his method was to just deal with the discomfort head on and get it done and over with; he always encouraged me to do the same). I hate this. I hate feeling like this...helpless, hopeless, abnormal, alone, destroyed, lost, disbelieving, tortured, et cetera. I don't know how many hours I have wasted today sitting in this recliner and mindlessly surfing the internet while listening to hours of his favorite band, Five Finger Death Punch. I don't know why, but it kind of makes it feel like he's near when I listen to them. He listened to their CDs over and over again until he wore them out. Anyway, I have literally wasted countless hours today doing not a single thing productive...not that many of my other days have been very productive, either.

It's 3 days until Christmas, and as each day gets closer, the air gets denser and feels too heavy & nearly impossible to breathe in. Last year, Alfonso was on the road and didn't get home until less than a week before Christmas. He told me not to buy a tree, because he had a surprise for me. When he got home, he brought in this beautiful, full 9 or 10 foot Xmas tree. It was gorgeous. I can still remember the smile on his face as he saw my face light up. I can remember the embrace as I hugged him tightly...and the kiss I gave him for being so awesome. If I close my eyes, I can see it all as if it's happening now. I know people say to hold onto the memories, but these memories are pure torture and agonizing for me!!! Honestly, I feel as if amnesia would be the most merciful thing for me right about now. I am dreading these next 72 hours. More so, I'm dreading the New Year, because that will officially mark a new start, of a new life, of a new year.................without him............ forcing me to further let go of  him. I don't want to let go!!!! But I know it doesn't matter how hard I try to hold on; he's not coming back. My head still can't wrap around the concept of never mortally seeing him ever again. It just does not compute!!! It's like a confused child who can't understand what is taking place...just clueless & befuddled.

The world is still very dark for me. I look around at the people, nature, and other things that used to be beautiful, and all I see is everything lackluster and grey. It's as if my soul & joy in life has been yanked out of my body, and all that is left is this shell of me. I focus hard to keep smiling and laughing on the outside, and I'm trying to be genuine, and I'm hoping that one day I'll convince myself that I'm happy. But in the meantime, as I laugh or smile, there's this constant little voice inside of me with a slight-maniacal laugh that says to me, "Yeah right. Who do you think you're kidding?" The best way to describe the duality that I juggle with 24/7 is that on the outside of me, it is often what appears as a bright, sunny, perfect temperature kind of day with a light breeze...just perfection. But on the inside rages this never-ending hurricane...dark, gloomy, cold, persistent, high winds...destruction & disaster. I'm starting to get really good at balancing the two worlds simultaneously. But I know it's not healthy, and honestly, this is not how I want to live. I do want to be happy again, and when I smile and laugh, I want to whole-heartedly be in that moment. But I don't know how to achieve it; I'm looking down a very long tunnel that's miles and miles long, and there's no light in sight. It's as if I am aware that there is this light at the end of the tunnel, because so many people have told me so. And I want to believe them, but I just haven't seen any proof of it yet, and some days it is harder to believe these other people.

Fuck. It literally just dawned on me, at this very moment, that December 25th, will mark exactly 2 months since this nightmare, and his mortal ending, began. Goddamn it. :-(  Why did I have to go and figure that out?? How can 2 months have passed already?!? Two months without his touch....two months without his laugh, smile, voice, kiss, embrace, jokes, dialogue, compliments, cuddles, hugs, love...two entire months. I thought this is supposed to get easier as time goes on, so why does it feel like I keep sinking deeper and deeper into this dark abyss???

To help escape reality sometimes, I've been going onto this website that's similar to Facebook, but it's not nearly as advanced. It has chat rooms (kind of like the old AOL that was so popular back in the mid to late 90s). A lot of people are there to pick up on others or "find their soul mate"; not me. I'm just there strictly for it to serve as a new distraction from all that is familiar. I want nothing more from these people than some cheap entertainment to force me not to think about real life...even if temporary. So as these multitude of people are hitting on me (I have a profile, which has a picture of me, which has very basic but vague info about me), I'm realizing something. See, I'm polite and I'll chat to a few, and the more that I chat with these random strangers, the more I realize how unique Alfonso was. I have never in my life had someone so mentally stimulating. The very first night we hung out, we spent nearly 12 hours of talking to each other about subjects near and far. And the next 2 following nights were the same way...just endless hours of talking about so many topics of interest. As our relationship grew, there would be many mornings when we'd wake up within a few minutes apart, and we'd lay in bed and talk about the world, or goals, or ideas for a few hours. I have never been so turned on and attracted to someone like him...his intelligence & ability & knowledge just amazed me. And of course, he loved it, because I could keep up in conversation with him and had a lot to say, too. As I try to have a decent conversation with these random people (after weeding out the "Hey, you're hot. You wanna hook-up?" morons), I'm finding that what Alfonso and I had was such a rarity. I mean, don't get me wrong...Alfonso was physically HOT and GORGEOUS, and that turned me on. But his intelligence & knowledge took me to a whole new level of attraction. It makes me a little concerned about moving on...I'm honestly scared that my standards will be too high to ever find a happiness with someone like I shared with Alfonso. I don't foresee someone being able to intellectually, emotionally, and physically stimulate me, altogether, like he did. I know that it is too soon to start worrying about that, but that's my personality...I'm always thinking ahead and planning/concerned for the future. I'm trying hard to practice the whole "be in the moment" thing (so many times, he would tell me just to "be in the moment"), but it's so difficult. Especially when this present moment is not where I want to be, as it is.

I don't know how anybody else has managed to live through this and be happy again. I'm sure it's possible, but I see no proof of it when it comes to me. Logically I know this has to be just my grief talking. But right now, my logic is limited. I am striving so hard to "live each day to its fullest"; exactly what Alfonso has always wanted for me. He sacrificed so much to provide for me and to give me whatever I wanted so that I would be happy (emotionally & materially), so I know to let my life waste away, it would be a dishonor to his hopes & desires for me. But at this point, I just don't feel like I have it within me to be who he wanted me to be. The constant agony overrides my abilities. And what's ironic is that I loathe feeling like this!!! One of his favorite self-created quotes was, "We choose our own suffering." And if he was here right now, I know exactly what he would tell me. He'd say to me,

"Baby, as much as I want to, I can't save you from your own self; only you can save yourself. Nobody else can do it but you. You can either choose to continue suffering, or you can choose to do something about it and find what it takes to make you happy & fulfilled. But if you do nothing about it, you are making the choice to suffer...but that's the key component...you are making a CHOICE."

God, the patience that he had for me was amazing. I can be a very frustrating person for someone who is emotionally involved with me; I have dealt with chemical depression since childhood & I have A LOT of internal/emotional issues, and sometimes it's hard for me to see the happy side of things even when everything is going great in my life. He was so patient and understanding. I mean, there were times where he grew very frustrated and lost his patience, but his love never waned, and he'd always try hard to understand what I was dealing with on the inside. Not to say our relationship was perfect...lol...not by any means! But it was still amazing in its own right. It scares me that I may never find someone of this magnitude again. Really, I don't want to find anyone else...I want Alfonso back. I know it's unrealistic, but still, that's what my heart, mind, and body wants. My heart has yet to be able to conceive why Alfonso can't come back...it hasn't reached that understanding yet, so it still yearns for him daily as if he was only gone on the road working and will be back home soon. My head knows otherwise and tries to console my heart, but my heart won't listen; it waits hopefully at the front door waiting for him to come home...just as a dog reverently waits for his/her master. My heart doesn't want to give up hope, as hopeless as its hopes are to be fulfilled.

I keep hoping that if I keep writing that the pain will slowly release. At least, that's what I've read...the more I talk about it or write it out, it's like releasing the poison of grief from inside. But at this moment, I don't feel any better from when I started writing this blog. I guess the poison runs too deep. I'm so tired of being trapped within myself!! I want out, and I want out badly!! But there's no goddamn escape from any of this hell. Not one single escape hatch to take to make the pain go away. I've spoken to some others who have lost their significant other, ones who have gone years without their other half, and they tell me that the pain does subside, but you never forget and it'll never be the same. I've heard this repeatedly, and I don't know why, but to hear those words, it scares me and offers me no condolence. It sounds like a horrible existence to me. I don't want to be like one of them! Not that there's anything wrong with these great people; I just don't want to be a part of this "club"! But I know this is beyond my control and it's too late; I'm already a part of the club. That can't be changed. I can already hear Alfonso's words to me,   

"My love, there will be times that you will be stuck in a circumstance that you have absolutely no control of; except, you always do have some amount of control. You may not be able to change the circumstance, but you can control the way that you deal with it. You can make the choice to accept the circumstance and do the best that you can with what has been given to you. You can make the choice to continue evolving and integrate it into your life and make it work for you rather than against you! You will always have choices no matter how bad it is. Find the way to make it work for you and use it to your advantage to help you grow and become stronger. It is a choice that only you can make."

Mi amor precioso...always so wise. <3

So, on that note, considering I'm still not feeling any better, but I'm growing more tired, I think I'm going to wrap it up. I'm going to attach a picture of our last year's Christmas tree that he brought home for us. Mi pobrecito...lol...he really disliked this photo of him (and would give me the evil eye if he knew I was posting this pic), even though I find him absolutely gorgeous & beautiful in it. Of course, I found him most handsome and beautiful even at his worst. He is always beautiful to me...mortally and immortally.

Christmas 2010 with the tree Alfonso picked out for me. <3

 

Alfonso added this to his Facebook on October 15, 2011.
He sincerely took this to heart and wanted me to succeed at this, too.

This Can't Be Real

For the last few hours, I've been searching & discovering more blogs and Facebook groups for those who lost their spouse. I was feeling a lot of encouragement as I found more people who understand the exact loss that I have experienced, and I was feeling a bit of hope that if so many of these people are living happy, fulfilling lives once again that maybe, just MAYBE, I can, too, one day. And then suddenly, less than a minute ago, it hit me....

"Holy shit! I can't believe it...I'm one of them. How is this possible? No, this can't be real. He's not dead...NO! But...he is dead. And I am one of them now. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. How can this be real?"

As tears swelled up in my eyes, and my heart shattered further into smaller pieces, reality set back in. Maybe it's my imagination, but I've never felt tears fall from my eyes as heavy as my tears are now since Alfonso's death. Has anybody else experienced this difference?

I can hear Alfonso, in my mind, telling me to get off the computer and go to bed, because "It's late, and you need your rest." God, it used to annoy me so much when he would always urge me to go to bed; I was always staying up very late. And now, I'd give anything in the world to hear him nag me to come to bed once again.

 

 

 

Our cat, Lily, on her daddy's back, in our bed.

"If music be the food of love, play on."

I think Shakespeare had it right. I think that music is food for the soul. There are so many songs I've been listening to that hold meaning, and some even have new meaning now. I want to keep a listing of what feeds my soul, so I can nourish it when need be. This is where I'll keep the list. I'll continue to add to this particular posting as time goes, so if any of this music helps you on your journey, be sure to check back from time to time. 

• Metallica - "Nothing Else Matters" (one of Alfonso's favorites)
• Carlos Santana & Dave Matthews - "Love of My Life" (I would sing this song to Alfonso all the time)
• Dave Matthews - "Stay or Leave" (lol...He really hated DM, except for the song with Santana. He always said that DM was too whiny...but the lyrics touch my heart.)
• Sheryl Crow - "Safe and Sound"
• The Eagles - "Learn To Be Still"
• Dave Matthews - "Out of My Hands"
• Five Finger Death Punch - "Undone" (Alfonso's FAVORITE band! Oh god...how many times did we listen to their first 2 CDs over and over and over again?!?! lol)
• Sheryl Crow - "I Shall Believe"
• Dave Matthews - "Grave Digger"
• Disturbed - "Darkness" (I have listened to this song repeatedly; it holds so much meaning to me)
• Rolling Stones - "Paint It Black"
• Gary Jules - "Mad World" 
• Three Doors Down - "Changes"
• Linkin Park - "Crawling"
• Korn - "Get Up!"
• Scorpions - "Send Me An Angel" (Another FAVORITE band of Alfonso's)
• Linkin Park - "Somewhere I Belong" (One of the songs he & I would sing karaoke together)
• Blue Oyster Cult - "Don't Fear the Reaper"
• Five Finger Death Punch - "Far From Home" (this song had SO much meaning to Alfonso, and now it's been passed down to me)
• The Cars - "Drive"
• The Smashing Pumpkins - "Bullet With Butterfly Wings"
• Skillet - "Comatose"
• Five Finger Death Punch - "Can't Heal You" (WARNING: This song is something VERY personal to Alfonso and I. We had our tough periods throughout our relationship, and there were moments that he was at a painful loss and couldn't save me from myself. He would play this song for me NOT to be mean, but to motivate me...and it would work each time. So this song may not be appropriate for many people, but it has significance to me.)
• Apocalyptica feat. Adam Gontier & Mats Leven - "I Don't Care" (I can be masochistic sometimes; this song will likely not help heal you any, but I listen to it when I need to)
• Fiona Apple - "The Child Is Gone"
• Slipknot - "Duality"
• Three Days Grace - "Animal I Have Become"
• Thousand Foot Crutch - "Scream"
• Dead By Sunrise - "Too Late"
• Mudvayne - "Forget To Remember" 
• Dead By April - "Losing You" 
• Seether ft. Amy Lee - "Broken" 
• NIN - "Something I Can Never Have" 
• Stone Temple Pilots - "Only Dying" 
• Five Finger Death Punch - "Crossing Over" (There are times that this song just pops in my head when I least expect it. I like to think that it's Alfonso's way of telling me I need to move on with life, and that one day we'll see each other again.)
• Fiver Finger Death Punch - "A Place to Die" 
• Metallica - "Fade to Black" 
• The Offspring - "Gone Away" 
• Billy Joel - "Got to Begin Again" 
• Jem - "Missing You" 
• Garth Brooks - "The Dance" 
• Kenny Chesney - "She Comes From Boston" (lol...I'm not from Boston, but rather about 2 hours south of there. And a lot of the song doesn't even describe me. But Alfonso loved listening to this song; he said it always made him think of me.)
• Toby Keith - "The List" (Every single time Alfonso would listen to this song, he would just smile as he sang along with it & would temporarily escape into a stress-free world. I can still remember the way he'd turn towards me every time he sang the line, "Sit on the porch and give my girl a kiss"...he would look at me and smile even bigger.) 
• Evanescence - "My Heart is Broken"

"Music expresses that which cannot be said and
on which it is impossible to be silent."  
~ Victor Hugo ~

Chris Isaac's "Wicked Game"

Is there a doctor in the house?

Alfonso proudly served in the U.S. Army as a field medic. He never liked talking about this, and he was always so humble, but he was part of the first response team to rescue people out of the Pentagon on 9/11. He saved many lives that day. Always a hero...always my hero.

So needless to say, he possessed a lot of knowledge and skill when it came to the medical field. His uncle was a doctor, and Alfonso idolized him. He watched and learned so much from him as a child, and he studied on his own time and learned so much about the human body. After he left the Army, he stayed working in the medical field...lab technician, phlebotomist, EMT, etc. He wanted to pursue a career and become a doctor, but as he learned more and more about the politics of everything, it turned him off and he chose not to stay in that career. The knowledge that he had stored in his brain was AMAZING...pure genius! 

In our family, whenever somebody had an ailment, we would always go to Alfonso. If he didn't know the answer, which he usually did, he knew how to research it and find the answer. What I miss most, though, is when I just had a cold, or a headache, or a tummy ache, or I just plain didn't feel good. He always took such good care of me...getting me whatever I needed, rubbing my head or my feet, massage, caressing my hair to help me fall asleep, or just holding me for comfort. He always knew how to take care of me.

Tonight, and last night, I've had the same kind of headache (pain in the forehead, but not a sinus headache), I've been nauseous (to the point of almost vomiting a few times), and I've been dizzy. It could be just stress; I don't know. My older sister suggests that I may be going through a "frequency shift".

"It's called a frequency shift, they happen after very difficult circumstances in our lives opening areas of the brain that weren't accessed prior - transitional mapping after shock. Usually within 6 - 8 weeks of shock/trauma, but can happen anytime. Many people mistake the shift for a flu or anxiety. Migraines can accompany these transitions. Just be still, breathe, and try to allow the process. This is normal."

It's been 7 weeks since this happened. Perhaps this is what I'm experiencing? I've been under a lot of stress, haven't slept well at all, haven't eaten well at all, but I've managed to not feel like this (all these symptoms together) for nearly the entire duration. Maybe my body is rebelling finally? I really don't know.

All I know is that I miss him. I hate it that I'm sitting here alone in complete discomfort, and he's not here to hold me or take care of me. I just want to crawl into his warm, loving arms and be cradled again. I want to feel him stroke my hair to help calm me and soothe me to sleep. I want to feel his soft lips kiss me upon my forehead...the way he would always do. I miss the way he would say to me, "Aw, my poor baby...mi chiquiada preciosa...come here, sweetie." And I would crawl right up into his arms where it was safe & sound; where everything was okay in the world at the moment. Nothing could harm me there. As my face was rested against his warm, strong barrel chest, with my eyes closed, I'd quietly say to him, "Te amo, mi vida." As he would always respond back, "Yo a ti, mi princesa;" followed by a kiss to my forehead and a big hug.

God, I fucking miss him so damn much!!! I can't even imagine ever loving somebody the way I loved him, much less finding someone who will love me as deeply as he does.

Alfonso and I at the Hoover Dam in November 2010

And so it begins...

It's another sleepless, tear-filled night. Tonight I have literally spent HOURS searching for bereavement support groups for those who lost their spouse (I hate the idea of support groups, but I am desperate and need help). Well, my search didn't turn up many results. So then I started reading about other people's experiences with the loss of their spouse, which brought me to reading blogs written by widows. My heart ached even more so reading their stories and the comments from other women who have lost their love. I don't know why it is that when you find someone going through the same kind of experience, you don't feel as alone. I mean, I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends; I'm so fortunate for having so many people who love me, and I am thankful for them all. But sadly, no matter how hard each of them try, none of them can fill the void that is left inside of me. And so few can actually relate to losing their other half. It really feels like my arms & legs have been amputated, and I am left with only my head & torso. I feel trapped, immobile, and hopeless.

I don't recognize myself anymore. The person that looks back at me in the mirror is not who I knew prior to Tuesday, October 25th, 2011 (when this nightmare all began). I don't know who I am any longer. The man who would tell me daily how beautiful and gorgeous I was is no longer able to make those affirmations. Because of him, I felt like this strong, beautiful, precious 'Goddess' (as he would call me), but now... nothing; I feel as if I am nothing. I need to...I MUST...find myself again; I need to find that same beautiful woman he fell in love with. I need to find purpose again. I want to claw my way out of this perpetual darkness and find some rays of light once more. I have a long way to go. :-(

It's 5:41AM (EST...where I am presently at, in SC). Goodnight? *shrug* Goodnight. 

P.S. I thought it would be a great idea to post a picture of Alfonso and myself at the end of these posts, and I just tried to. But apparently, I'm not ready for it yet, because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Oh well...one of these days, perhaps.