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I've been emotionally needing to blog for many, many days (maybe a few weeks? I can't remember), but I've been avoiding it, because all it does is confirm that I'm without him. And I'm good at avoiding things that cause me discomfort (my avoidance technique used to irritate Alfonso a lot; his method was to just deal with the discomfort head on and get it done and over with; he always encouraged me to do the same). I hate this. I hate feeling like this...helpless, hopeless, abnormal, alone, destroyed, lost, disbelieving, tortured, et cetera. I don't know how many hours I have wasted today sitting in this recliner and mindlessly surfing the internet while listening to hours of his favorite band, Five Finger Death Punch. I don't know why, but it kind of makes it feel like he's near when I listen to them. He listened to their CDs over and over again until he wore them out. Anyway, I have literally wasted countless hours today doing not a single thing productive...not that many of my other days have been very productive, either.
It's 3 days until Christmas, and as each day gets closer, the air gets denser and feels too heavy & nearly impossible to breathe in. Last year, Alfonso was on the road and didn't get home until less than a week before Christmas. He told me not to buy a tree, because he had a surprise for me. When he got home, he brought in this beautiful, full 9 or 10 foot Xmas tree. It was gorgeous. I can still remember the smile on his face as he saw my face light up. I can remember the embrace as I hugged him tightly...and the kiss I gave him for being so awesome. If I close my eyes, I can see it all as if it's happening now. I know people say to hold onto the memories, but these memories are pure torture and agonizing for me!!! Honestly, I feel as if amnesia would be the most merciful thing for me right about now. I am dreading these next 72 hours. More so, I'm dreading the New Year, because that will officially mark a new start, of a new life, of a new year.................without him............ forcing me to further let go of him. I don't want to let go!!!! But I know it doesn't matter how hard I try to hold on; he's not coming back. My head still can't wrap around the concept of never mortally seeing him ever again. It just does not compute!!! It's like a confused child who can't understand what is taking place...just clueless & befuddled.
The world is still very dark for me. I look around at the people, nature, and other things that used to be beautiful, and all I see is everything lackluster and grey. It's as if my soul & joy in life has been yanked out of my body, and all that is left is this shell of me. I focus hard to keep smiling and laughing on the outside, and I'm trying to be genuine, and I'm hoping that one day I'll convince myself that I'm happy. But in the meantime, as I laugh or smile, there's this constant little voice inside of me with a slight-maniacal laugh that says to me, "Yeah right. Who do you think you're kidding?" The best way to describe the duality that I juggle with 24/7 is that on the outside of me, it is often what appears as a bright, sunny, perfect temperature kind of day with a light breeze...just perfection. But on the inside rages this never-ending hurricane...dark, gloomy, cold, persistent, high winds...destruction & disaster. I'm starting to get really good at balancing the two worlds simultaneously. But I know it's not healthy, and honestly, this is not how I want to live. I do want to be happy again, and when I smile and laugh, I want to whole-heartedly be in that moment. But I don't know how to achieve it; I'm looking down a very long tunnel that's miles and miles long, and there's no light in sight. It's as if I am aware that there is this light at the end of the tunnel, because so many people have told me so. And I want to believe them, but I just haven't seen any proof of it yet, and some days it is harder to believe these other people.
Fuck. It literally just dawned on me, at this very moment, that December 25th, will mark exactly 2 months since this nightmare, and his mortal ending, began. Goddamn it. :-( Why did I have to go and figure that out?? How can 2 months have passed already?!? Two months without his touch....two months without his laugh, smile, voice, kiss, embrace, jokes, dialogue, compliments, cuddles, hugs, love...two entire months. I thought this is supposed to get easier as time goes on, so why does it feel like I keep sinking deeper and deeper into this dark abyss???
To help escape reality sometimes, I've been going onto this website that's similar to Facebook, but it's not nearly as advanced. It has chat rooms (kind of like the old AOL that was so popular back in the mid to late 90s). A lot of people are there to pick up on others or "find their soul mate"; not me. I'm just there strictly for it to serve as a new distraction from all that is familiar. I want nothing more from these people than some cheap entertainment to force me not to think about real life...even if temporary. So as these multitude of people are hitting on me (I have a profile, which has a picture of me, which has very basic but vague info about me), I'm realizing something. See, I'm polite and I'll chat to a few, and the more that I chat with these random strangers, the more I realize how unique Alfonso was. I have never in my life had someone so mentally stimulating. The very first night we hung out, we spent nearly 12 hours of talking to each other about subjects near and far. And the next 2 following nights were the same way...just endless hours of talking about so many topics of interest. As our relationship grew, there would be many mornings when we'd wake up within a few minutes apart, and we'd lay in bed and talk about the world, or goals, or ideas for a few hours. I have never been so turned on and attracted to someone like him...his intelligence & ability & knowledge just amazed me. And of course, he loved it, because I could keep up in conversation with him and had a lot to say, too. As I try to have a decent conversation with these random people (after weeding out the "Hey, you're hot. You wanna hook-up?" morons), I'm finding that what Alfonso and I had was such a rarity. I mean, don't get me wrong...Alfonso was physically HOT and GORGEOUS, and that turned me on. But his intelligence & knowledge took me to a whole new level of attraction. It makes me a little concerned about moving on...I'm honestly scared that my standards will be too high to ever find a happiness with someone like I shared with Alfonso. I don't foresee someone being able to intellectually, emotionally, and physically stimulate me, altogether, like he did. I know that it is too soon to start worrying about that, but that's my personality...I'm always thinking ahead and planning/concerned for the future. I'm trying hard to practice the whole "be in the moment" thing (so many times, he would tell me just to "be in the moment"), but it's so difficult. Especially when this present moment is not where I want to be, as it is.
I don't know how anybody else has managed to live through this and be happy again. I'm sure it's possible, but I see no proof of it when it comes to me. Logically I know this has to be just my grief talking. But right now, my logic is limited. I am striving so hard to "live each day to its fullest"; exactly what Alfonso has always wanted for me. He sacrificed so much to provide for me and to give me whatever I wanted so that I would be happy (emotionally & materially), so I know to let my life waste away, it would be a dishonor to his hopes & desires for me. But at this point, I just don't feel like I have it within me to be who he wanted me to be. The constant agony overrides my abilities. And what's ironic is that I loathe feeling like this!!! One of his favorite self-created quotes was, "We choose our own suffering." And if he was here right now, I know exactly what he would tell me. He'd say to me,
"Baby, as much as I want to, I can't save you from your own self; only you can save yourself. Nobody else can do it but you. You can either choose to continue suffering, or you can choose to do something about it and find what it takes to make you happy & fulfilled. But if you do nothing about it, you are making the choice to suffer...but that's the key component...you are making a CHOICE."God, the patience that he had for me was amazing. I can be a very frustrating person for someone who is emotionally involved with me; I have dealt with chemical depression since childhood & I have A LOT of internal/emotional issues, and sometimes it's hard for me to see the happy side of things even when everything is going great in my life. He was so patient and understanding. I mean, there were times where he grew very frustrated and lost his patience, but his love never waned, and he'd always try hard to understand what I was dealing with on the inside. Not to say our relationship was perfect...lol...not by any means! But it was still amazing in its own right. It scares me that I may never find someone of this magnitude again. Really, I don't want to find anyone else...I want Alfonso back. I know it's unrealistic, but still, that's what my heart, mind, and body wants. My heart has yet to be able to conceive why Alfonso can't come back...it hasn't reached that understanding yet, so it still yearns for him daily as if he was only gone on the road working and will be back home soon. My head knows otherwise and tries to console my heart, but my heart won't listen; it waits hopefully at the front door waiting for him to come home...just as a dog reverently waits for his/her master. My heart doesn't want to give up hope, as hopeless as its hopes are to be fulfilled.
I keep hoping that if I keep writing that the pain will slowly release. At least, that's what I've read...the more I talk about it or write it out, it's like releasing the poison of grief from inside. But at this moment, I don't feel any better from when I started writing this blog. I guess the poison runs too deep. I'm so tired of being trapped within myself!! I want out, and I want out badly!! But there's no goddamn escape from any of this hell. Not one single escape hatch to take to make the pain go away. I've spoken to some others who have lost their significant other, ones who have gone years without their other half, and they tell me that the pain does subside, but you never forget and it'll never be the same. I've heard this repeatedly, and I don't know why, but to hear those words, it scares me and offers me no condolence. It sounds like a horrible existence to me. I don't want to be like one of them! Not that there's anything wrong with these great people; I just don't want to be a part of this "club"! But I know this is beyond my control and it's too late; I'm already a part of the club. That can't be changed. I can already hear Alfonso's words to me,
"My love, there will be times that you will be stuck in a circumstance that you have absolutely no control of; except, you always do have some amount of control. You may not be able to change the circumstance, but you can control the way that you deal with it. You can make the choice to accept the circumstance and do the best that you can with what has been given to you. You can make the choice to continue evolving and integrate it into your life and make it work for you rather than against you! You will always have choices no matter how bad it is. Find the way to make it work for you and use it to your advantage to help you grow and become stronger. It is a choice that only you can make."Mi amor precioso...always so wise. <3
So, on that note, considering I'm still not feeling any better, but I'm growing more tired, I think I'm going to wrap it up. I'm going to attach a picture of our last year's Christmas tree that he brought home for us. Mi pobrecito...lol...he really disliked this photo of him (and would give me the evil eye if he knew I was posting this pic), even though I find him absolutely gorgeous & beautiful in it. Of course, I found him most handsome and beautiful even at his worst. He is always beautiful to me...mortally and immortally.
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| Christmas 2010 with the tree Alfonso picked out for me. <3 |
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| Alfonso added this to his Facebook on October 15, 2011. He sincerely took this to heart and wanted me to succeed at this, too. |
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