Is there a doctor in the house?

Alfonso proudly served in the U.S. Army as a field medic. He never liked talking about this, and he was always so humble, but he was part of the first response team to rescue people out of the Pentagon on 9/11. He saved many lives that day. Always a hero...always my hero.

So needless to say, he possessed a lot of knowledge and skill when it came to the medical field. His uncle was a doctor, and Alfonso idolized him. He watched and learned so much from him as a child, and he studied on his own time and learned so much about the human body. After he left the Army, he stayed working in the medical field...lab technician, phlebotomist, EMT, etc. He wanted to pursue a career and become a doctor, but as he learned more and more about the politics of everything, it turned him off and he chose not to stay in that career. The knowledge that he had stored in his brain was AMAZING...pure genius! 

In our family, whenever somebody had an ailment, we would always go to Alfonso. If he didn't know the answer, which he usually did, he knew how to research it and find the answer. What I miss most, though, is when I just had a cold, or a headache, or a tummy ache, or I just plain didn't feel good. He always took such good care of me...getting me whatever I needed, rubbing my head or my feet, massage, caressing my hair to help me fall asleep, or just holding me for comfort. He always knew how to take care of me.

Tonight, and last night, I've had the same kind of headache (pain in the forehead, but not a sinus headache), I've been nauseous (to the point of almost vomiting a few times), and I've been dizzy. It could be just stress; I don't know. My older sister suggests that I may be going through a "frequency shift".

"It's called a frequency shift, they happen after very difficult circumstances in our lives opening areas of the brain that weren't accessed prior - transitional mapping after shock. Usually within 6 - 8 weeks of shock/trauma, but can happen anytime. Many people mistake the shift for a flu or anxiety. Migraines can accompany these transitions. Just be still, breathe, and try to allow the process. This is normal."

It's been 7 weeks since this happened. Perhaps this is what I'm experiencing? I've been under a lot of stress, haven't slept well at all, haven't eaten well at all, but I've managed to not feel like this (all these symptoms together) for nearly the entire duration. Maybe my body is rebelling finally? I really don't know.

All I know is that I miss him. I hate it that I'm sitting here alone in complete discomfort, and he's not here to hold me or take care of me. I just want to crawl into his warm, loving arms and be cradled again. I want to feel him stroke my hair to help calm me and soothe me to sleep. I want to feel his soft lips kiss me upon my forehead...the way he would always do. I miss the way he would say to me, "Aw, my poor baby...mi chiquiada preciosa...come here, sweetie." And I would crawl right up into his arms where it was safe & sound; where everything was okay in the world at the moment. Nothing could harm me there. As my face was rested against his warm, strong barrel chest, with my eyes closed, I'd quietly say to him, "Te amo, mi vida." As he would always respond back, "Yo a ti, mi princesa;" followed by a kiss to my forehead and a big hug.

God, I fucking miss him so damn much!!! I can't even imagine ever loving somebody the way I loved him, much less finding someone who will love me as deeply as he does.

Alfonso and I at the Hoover Dam in November 2010