Same as it ever was......or not.

The pain never really goes away. Even when I'm laughing, smiling, or joking around, there is still an essence of agony that lingers at any given time. It scares me to think that the rest of my life this agony will always be there. It makes it hard to keep the will to wake up each morning and keep pushing forward. It makes it difficult to fully enjoy a moment since there is always pain underlying it. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to experience another moment in my life where I'll feel 100% happiness like I used to.

The pain of losing your significant other isn't like any other pain experienced. My little sister, Kelli, passed away in 1995. My Grandma Pauline passed away several years ago. My Uncle Gregg passed away last week, though we weren't close to each other. And I've lost pets that I have loved dearly as if they were my children; I just lost my best boy, Bear, last week. He was between 13 - 15 years old. With each loss, I have suffered...some more intensely, some less intensely. But NOTHING has compared to the severe anguish experienced when I lost Alfonso. It has altered my world to something even I'm not familiar with. A world were pain is the base feeling, and other emotions, positive or negative, stack on top of that, but never alleviates or buries it. It is ALWAYS present at any given moment.

Even with a new romance with a wonderful, considerate, and loving guy, "M", the pain still exists, and he does his best to soothe me as much as he can. Maybe in time it'll ease up or fade, but I can only take people's word for it, because I see no hope in sight. I hate how this incident with Alfonso has warped everything of a 'normal' life...everyday living, romance, what innocence that was left..........nothing is as it was inside or out.

I've been putting off writing in this blog for over 2 months; maybe it's been longer. I try to avoid activities that remind me of Alfonso's absence, whether it be blogging about him (even when I have things to get out of my head), packing and removing some of his items from what was once "our" home, but now that is only "my" home (I have such a hard time acknowledging that), attending bereavement support group meetings. All things that ideally could help me emotionally, I want to hide from, because if I do these activities, it's another confirmation that he's gone. My head is still not able to grasp the concept of a world without his mortal existence.

I was on the east coast, with family, so that I wouldn't have to be home for the holidays. I came back home on Valentine's Day...how about the irony of that one! I didn't mean to even book the flight for that day, but I accidentally did, which I guess worked out for the best considering I spent most of the day flying, and it kept my brain distracted most of the time. But since then I have been back home where the nightmare began and my altered universe initiated. I have slept on the couch in the living room every single night. I've tried to work my way back into our.....my..... bedroom, and even into the other bedroom (where we've slept on different occasions), but to no avail, I feel like I start crumbling as soon as I make the attempt. My stomach gets tied in knots and I get very nauseous...my heart starts beating in overdrive...my respiration increases...my head starts pounding....just a very bad reaction every time. Every little household task that I used to take for granted is now like a dull, serrated dagger being twisted & dug into my body. Whenever I do dishes, laundry, vacuum, go to the grocery store, cook....anything related to being a "housewife" (or as I liked to joke with Alfonso, I was a "domestic goddess"), it's an excruciating task. I really loved the emotion that came with feeling like I was taking care of my man & our home. He was always so appreciative when the house looked great or when I cooked him a meal (which was often.....the cooking, that is...not so much always the cleaning). So I guess over time, I associated his responses with completing the task. And now I guess I subconsciously am looking for that 'reward' or acknowledgement, but...........there's no one here to give that to me. I worry that this response inside of me will never go away. I worry that it'll always stir up so much suffering inside of me every time I do a petty little household task. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this.

I still feel like an amputee; an integral part of my body is missing. As of April 4th, two days ago, it's been 5 months since the day that he passed away. Wow....FIVE FUCKING MONTHS?? I literally can't make any sense out of that. To think that I have gone 5 months since the last time I placed my lips on his warm hand to kiss him "goodnight". And then 5 months, minus 10 days, since the last time I heard his voice....when we spoke....when we looked into each others' eyes....when.............................the beginning of the end commenced. God, how I miss him so much!! I find myself in a terrible emotional battle that guilts me every single day; which logically, I know that I shouldn't feel any guilt. But emotionally, I'm completely irrational. You see, "M" is such an amazing individual; he has restored so much happiness back into my life, and he is completely supportive of my feelings and understands my undying love for Alfonso. I feel so fortunate that I can be that intimate with him and talk about my feelings when I'm missing Alfonso. I feel so safe and sound when I turn to him. But here it is, I would give ANYTHING in the world to bring Alfonso back....ANYTHING. But yet..............I wouldn't trade a thing if that meant I had to give up "M". This is what I meant earlier when I said that I'll never be able to have a "normal" romantic relationship, because it is plagued with guilt. And I know in my heart that Alfonso would never want me to feel guilty or unhappy. It was always so important to him to live life to the fullest and to be as happy as one could be. But if I logically know and understand this, then why can't I emotionally accept it? I suppose there is a part of me that blames myself for his death, and perhaps I'm just not ready to forgive myself yet. At least, if I was a 3rd party hearing this story, that would be my opinion on all of it. Too bad we can't take our own advice as easily as we can give it out.

What I yearn for now is just some sort of resemblance of normalcy. I'd love to experience a day of pure happiness once again....guilt-free...agony-free........just pure joy. I want to be able to love another man, "M", without a looming shadow of pain and guilt. I want to go to the Farmer's Market, enjoy the light breeze and the beautiful sunny day and just be happy to be alive in that moment. I want to be able to walk into my closet to pick out an outfit and not break out in tears and fall apart every single time I step in there. I just want what I once had.......peace of mind. I fear that I'll never have that again, not in a complete sense, anyhow. At this moment, I just can't foresee a day that will go by that I'm not mourning. I don't foresee ever feeling complete once again. Maybe it's too soon to see all of this; I don't know. I hope I'm wrong, because I don't want to exist another 40 or 60 years with this agony festering inside of me each and every single day. I've had people tell me that one day I'll be able to look back on my memories with Alfonso and feel happy. How do you do that? How is that even possible? People tell me, "hold onto the memories". WHY? It only hurts me more when I remember stuff; I'd rather have amnesia and be numb than to suffer like this. Maybe it's the grief talking.

Circa 2007 or 2008 - One of many of Alfonso's homecomings.
He was away on business for, I think, over 4 weeks on this occasion. I was so happy to see him.

And then I found myself standing at the crossroads...

In the beginning, when he first passes away, you think to yourself, "I'll never be able to love someone again; not this way." And you continue to think that every single day...every waking moment...every sleeping second....you just feel it deep in your gut that never again will you be able to love someone or ever feel that sort of closeness to another man ever again. And just the smallest thought of even trying to explore that idea makes your stomach wrench, your heart is weighed down with lead, and it makes your skin crawl. You become overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, betrayal, disloyalty... you even begin doubting your own self; putting yourself on trial and demanding an explanation for, "If you loved him so much, if he was so special to you, then how can you even dare to think about loving another person like that???" Once your inner-lawyer stops interrogating you, you step down from the stand blanketed with emotions of eternal loneliness and hopelessness. You find yourself just counting the days and the minutes down to your sweet death. You find yourself looking for someone to mercifully put you out of your misery, so that you can finally reach that one moment where you can be with him once again. And you wait...and wait...and wait.

You begin meeting new people as life carries on. Men start recognizing that you're now single, and some even start making their interest in you more obvious. You pull away, because you know that these guys will never be able to love you the same way as he did. You desire to be touched, held, caressed, kissed, and loved again with the same affection, but yet you resist all of their advances and push them away. The idea of them coming too close to you makes you sick and full of guilt & agony, and all you desire is to have the one man that you can no longer mortally have.

Every day is the same process....the same painful reminder that you are alone, and he is gone. Memories of what your life once was, and is no more, now haunt your every thought. It feels as if there is no escape and that this is your reality for the rest of your life until mercy is gifted to you. And without any warning or knowledge, something subtly changes, but you don't realize it yet.

You make a new friend who's unlike anyone else you've encountered. There's no pressure; he's not trying to pursue anything with you, and you feel non-threatened and safe. Your instinct isn't there to push or pull away; even the slightest thought of doing so eludes you, but you don't realize it at the time. He offers you a safe place to talk and open up; he encourages you to speak about your anguish inside and gently helps you to begin working on letting some of the pain out. He is understanding & respectful to the memory of the man you once devoted your life to. He even offers to quietly sit by your side during those moments when you crawl into that dark, lonely cave to hide from the chaos of the world surrounding you.

Before you know it, when someone asks you, "How are you doing?", you are startled when you hear yourself genuinely respond with, "I'm doing good." I'm doing good??? Who said that?! It makes you stop dead in your tracks and begin to evaluate what's going on here. Since his death, you have perfected your dual personality, presenting everyone with a facade on the outside of you smiling, joking, and laughing; meanwhile, you are sad, broken, and weeping on the inside at those very same moments. It's like dancing the Tango with your own self between your dual personalities. So to find yourself in the position that your emotions on the outside are actually reflecting the emotions on the inside once again...it's a breakthrough! And once this realization that the "impossible" has occurred, it makes you wonder.....what other impossibilities can be achieved? Maybe experiencing happiness & love with another man isn't such an impossibility. And you find yourself startled once again, because this time, that thought of hopefulness didn't make your stomach wrench. You felt............okay.



So, here I now stand. I find myself at a crossroads...an intersection between the road where I came from, my former beautiful life with Alfonso, and I am now faced with taking a new road to create a new life to be filled with new, beautiful experiences. As each new day presents itself, I keep taking another step forward down this unfamiliar road, uncertain of what lies ahead, but I know in my heart that it's what I need to do to live. Because staying on that other road will never get me anywhere; I'll only exist, and not really be alive, if I wait on the road that I'm so familiar with...death will eventually find me sitting there alone and miserable.

Sometimes it is so hard to keep walking forward, and it's a struggle to try and not look back. There are moments that I want to run back to that road, and anchor myself tightly down to it. But as reality has it, there's nothing left there for me. I honestly feel that Alfonso is the one responsible for guiding me to this crossroad; this particular crossroad that intersects with the road of this new special man that's come into my life. Sure, it may sound crazy, but I feel it with so much certainty that I don't feel it necessary to have to justify it to anyone else, and that in itself says a lot to me.

I don't know what lies ahead for my emotions, but I finally feel as if I'm beginning to heal. I can feel as the wounds begin to slowly & gradually close (though they have a long way to go). I find that I am beginning to feel happy again and hopeful. I feel safe & protected once again. When I look around me, all that had turned grey, color is now flourishing once more. There's beauty replenished in the starry night, in a child's laugh, in a bird's song, in a babbling brook. I no longer cringe in terror when it comes to thinking about the future. I actually have rediscovered the will to live...to live life to its fullest...to be alive......... and I contribute and give many thanks to "M" for being that person to help me rediscover all of this and to find myself again.

One of Alfonso's important lessons that he continuously repeated to not just me, but to all those that he loved...."Life is about living; live it with quality; maximize it; experience as much of it as you can." I'm certain that it makes him feel happy to know that his advice did not fall on deaf ears. It was ALWAYS so important to him that with every life that he touched, that he was able to leave something positive behind to help enhance the life of that person. I can't tell you how many times I heard him say that over the years. And as he watches over me, I know that he's proud of me for taking his advice and actually listening to him for once...lol. It used to frustrate him to no end, because he felt as if I never took his advice. He would tell me the most efficient way of handling a situation, and I would always have to go and do it the hard way. It aggravated him so badly...lol. In his exact words, "How come you have to hear it from somebody else in order to believe it? I tell you the same exact thing, and you fight against my every single word. Why do you need to be so necia?!" Well, it's not that I had to hear it from somebody else, and it's not that I didn't believe him or deliberately not want to take his advice. Actually, just like when he would ask me, I still don't have a concrete answer to that............I'm sorry, mi latoso guapo; I never meant to be so 'necia'.

But no time like the present, right? I'm following his advice and am moving forward and will live life to its fullest. As difficult as it may be sometimes, and as much as I miss him, there's only one direction I can go if I want to do more than just exist. So as the day seems to come to an end with the sun setting and the starry night blanketing us, there is always a new day right around the corner. A fresh start. A day full of brand new potentials and possibilities. And we get this new opportunity every single day. New experiences wait ahead if I just keep moving forward.

Sunset from the west view of our house in California
Thanks to both Alfonso and "M", I can see the beauty & colors in this once again. :-)

EVERYTHING changes...even the smallest of things

One of my favorite ways to show Alfonso how much I loved him was cooking for him. He loooooved my cooking. And don't tell his abuelita ;-), but he would always say how my cooking matched the superiority of his grandma's....and he loooooooved her cooking! I associate cooking with love. Once we moved into our house up in the high desert, which is large enough to hold a lot of people, every year I would cook a huge holiday meal, in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, for our families (mostly his family....I don't have a lot in comparison to him), and I would spend 2 - 3 days cooking nearly everything from scratch. Appetizers, dinner, dessert....a feast it was. By the time everyone arrived, I was SO exhausted, but so happy to give my love to them this way. I never experienced anything like this. I looked forward to it every year, and so it seemed did everyone else. It filled my heart with so much happiness to see how joyful Alfonso was to be surrounded with his family...his laughter, his smiles, his practical jokes...lol. He loved his family so dearly; they meant the world to him. And I loved being surrounded by all of that non-expectational love & happiness. Of course, with the events of this year, it didn't happen for the first time in 4 years.

This memory was triggered tonight as I was cleaning out my junk folder in my email. Prior to Alfonso's death, I would receive a subscription for a few cooking magazines. Most of the stuff I created was from my own imagination, but I liked trying new recipes and then customizing them to our own taste. In addition to the subscription, I'd also receive a daily newsletter from "Taste of Home", and I would save all of their recipes in a folder, so that I could reference back to them at a later time when we wanted to try something new. But after the incident on October 25th, 2011, there was no purpose left to save any of these. It made my stomach tie in knots even considering to save any of these recipes, so I'd just delete them as quickly as they came in. The idea of cooking made me so sad and distraught. All of the joy and love that I put into it seemed pointless now. For many weeks after his death, I refused to cook anything. It brought me too much grief to even consider making toast. Anything I ate either went into the microwave, I bought it already prepared, or someone else cooked it. It took me over a month after his death to be able to cook an egg. And even then, it was baby steps. The first time, I cooked the egg, but couldn't bear to make it into a sandwich. I know, this sounds so weird....but it was the process of "preparing a meal" that was so difficult for me; it reminded me too much of cooking for Alfonso. To this date, I have still yet to cook an actual meal, though I have cooked many egg & cheese sandwiches since! lol

But tonight, more than 2 months after his death, and nearly 3 months since the incident occurred, I thought that just MAYBE I could begin to save those newsletters from Taste of Home once again, as they continue to fill my junk folder, because I saw some recipes that looked very yummy. As I opened up the newsletter to read it, tears just overwhelmed me. I tried to push past it and face the grief. I even told myself that if I can't read it now, maybe I can just move it into the designated folder and read it another day. But I couldn't even do that. It was too insurmountable for me to get past. Remembering that I'll never cook another meal for him again, or ever hear one of his compliments telling me, "Baby, you've totally out did yourself once again;" it's still all too much to accept. So, another yummy recipe deleted from my email.

Prior to this experience, I would have never imagined some of the day to day things that would become affected. Some of the smallest of things that seem so miniscule to our daily lives suddenly have so much impact.....tasks, chores, items, scents, temperature of the air, et cetera.....just stuff you never found to be significant suddenly can now turn a good day into a grief-filled one. It's horrible. You try so hard to fill your days with happy thoughts and stuff that makes you remember that life is worth living, and in a single second, because of a stupid cooking newsletter that you decide to open up and try to read, your day comes to a crashing halt as all that made you smile that day gets ripped out of you.

"It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses." -- Colette

Family holiday parties at our house (2009 & 2010) - primos and my mom & I (we're the gringas, in case you can't tell, lol).
In the bottom left corner sits Rayito...the first to fall asleep at our 2009 party. Alfonso devised a plan with several other cousins of his to teach Ray a lesson for falling asleep first....
bring out the shaving cream and startle unsuspecting victim awake! LOL
Ah, and beverages...lots and lots of....beverages! Good times!! :-)

"Missing you......"

Alfonso LOVED Dragon Ball Z (lol...I just couldn't understand it, but he loved it).
I found this video reflecting the love story between Goku & Chi Chi. He would've loved this.

Jem - "Missing You"

I wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
This day would come
Now all I'm feeling
Is lost and numb

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I would try

But I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside

I'll always be thankful
For the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
But I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
Just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
Stabbed me in my heart

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I wouldn't cry

But I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
Want you by my side

Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart my soul

I wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream
Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say he didn't die

And I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
Want you by my side
Ooh well I, miss you
Want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side 

Alfonso's family ~ Our niece, Kim's, quinceañera. November 2009.
Great memories! <3

"True love is...."

I don't know who said this quote, but....

"True love is neither physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be."

I'm not ready for this year to end yet...

Less than 2 hours, where I sit, it will be 2012 (5 hours more back home in California). I've spent the entire day sick (chest cold), with a headache, my voice is gone - nothing more than just a whisper, and I've just spent the entire day alone. My sister is near and wants me to come over to celebrate with her & others, and I know that this would be the healthier of my options. But....I.....just don't want to. Something inside of me is holding on SO tight not to let this year go. If I let 2011 go, and allow 2012 to come in, it means that I'm forced to have to let go of Alfonso even more. And the emotions that come with letting go of someone you love so dearly are intense and incomprehensible. I've lost loved ones before, but never my partner/lover/best friend/mi media naranja. I have never lost a part of me like this.

I find myself looking at the clock as every single minute passes by. I am dreading midnight. I can feel the anxiety building up inside of me like a panicked feral animal with no rationality; just pure panic. It's funny though, because on the outside, I look completely calm. But on the inside, there's a menacing storm raging and only getting worse by the minute. I know there's nothing in my power to stop time from going forward, but my heart doesn't understand it. My heart keeps pleading with the world to just stop turning...to not go any further ahead. I don't want to get any further away from Alfonso than I already am. I don't want to start a new year without him!!

We used to watch the Military Channel A LOT at home. He loved this channel, and whenever he was home, it would be on for countless hours. In time, I became very interested in it, as well. Eventually, I started learning stuff and was able to recognize weapons, maneuvers, wars & strategies. When I'd make an observation like this and say something to him, he would look at me with this sincere lust in his eyes and tell me, "Damn it, you turn me on so much! You are so freaking hot!" LOL  Who ever knew that the Military Channel could be four-play?! But I digress...there would be many times when he was away on the road, and I would really miss him. I'd have trouble falling asleep at night, so I would turn on the Military Channel and fall asleep to that. It gave me a sense of comfort and helped me pretend that he was there with me, just like on nights we'd crawl into bed, and I'd fall asleep nestled up to him while he watched it. I'd fall asleep to the sounds of WWII...lol... ironic how the sounds of a war would lull me to sleep. LOL...How many documentaries about Hitler did I fall asleep to....or Special Forces training shows & documentaries?!?!? After his death, I found that watching this channel would soothe me some, but in a bittersweet way. So tonight, it's playing on the TV, keeping me company...letting me pretend that he's just in the living room watching TV, as I sit in the bedroom on the computer. I know that I'm fooling myself, but sometimes trickery is less cruel than the reality of it all.

It's been nearly 2 months since his actual death. The reason why I say "actual" is because his soul left his body on November 4th, but I knew in my heart, no matter how hard I tried to negotiate with the powers that be, he was mortally gone the afternoon this all happened on October 25th. Every day is one more day without him, and I hate it. I try so hard to be more enlightened and universal with comprehending that love is without tangible boundaries, but I'm finding it difficult to get any comfort out of that. Sometimes I wish I could possess the faith that a lot of people do....I wish I could believe that there's a God, and he has some sort of plan, and that in the end, it will work out the best for everyone, and that "there's a reason for everything". But............................with all that I've seen, listened to, and have learned, I don't have that kind of faith within me. It's not that I don't believe in a God, but rather, I don't think I believe in a tangible, puppet string-pulling God who will make judgment upon us comparing our good vs. evil scorecard. I don't think that I believe in someone who has a plan, and we're all here just going along for the ride. Once I leave this mortal world, perhaps I will be proven wrong. And I'm okay with that. Because if I was to say that I believed differently, I would be lying and not being sincere. Anyhow, I just wish I was capable of finding comfort in faith, but I can't.

In these last few weeks, my strength, my self-worth, my self-preservation...they have been slowly returning to me. I'm still struggling with finding a purpose to be here, but at least now I remember that there is one; I just need to still find what it is. Color is slowly being restored to my world thanks to a very special person I encountered nearly a week before Christmas. He can relate to this life-changing devastation I'm experiencing. Even though I'm surrounded by people who love me (which I am FOREVER grateful for), and many who have lost people who were close to them (child, brother, sister, mother, father), I don't know why it is, and I hope that this doesn't come off unappreciative or minimizing their loss, but I still have felt so alone on this journey. It's as if my soul sits in the middle of the Sahara Desert without a single other soul in sight...all alone. But for whatever reason, this person was able to reach me, helping me remember who I was before losing the other half of me...mi media naranja. I feel like an amputee. But thanks to the help from this friend, I might be able to find my inner-strength to be able to walk once again rather than crawl & drag myself along the ground. It sounds crazy, but I think Alfonso helped us cross paths. I really needed a friend who could actually relate to me. I feel like Alfonso is still taking care of me from beyond. Thanks to this person, Christmas wasn't as scary as I was fearing. And though today is bad....so very bad...and in 1 hour and 8 minutes, I feel like I'm going to shatter into a million more little pieces, I know that there's a little hope. If my friend can keep going on after what he went through and is going through, then his example shows me that I can make it through, too, even when it misleadingly appears impossible (if YOU ever read this...THANK YOU for everything!!!).  

It's now 11:02PM EST. There's only 58 minutes left until 2011 is gone. Spending NYE together was always important for Alfonso and I. We wanted to always enter the new year together. There were a few times that one of us had to go to the other person's job just to be together. I think we only missed one NYE, because he had to be on the road with my dad.

It's now 11:06PM EST...time is ticking away. The panic is at a catastrophic level inside of me right now. It's now 11:07PM EST. In 53 minutes, it'll all be gone. My life with Alfonso will be left behind as 2011 disappears. I'm scared of what the future holds for me. I have hopes of love, happiness, and purpose in 2012, but it's still all very scary, especially when you're looking into the darkness of the unknown. 11:10PM EST. I think the storm that's inside of me is starting to reach the surface...my body is starting to tremble; my hands & arms are shaking no matter how hard I try to control them. Thank goodness for the delete button on this keyboard; otherwise, no sense would be made of all the typos I keep making. I think what I'm experiencing is the complete, ultra loss of all control. I have no control of time. I have no control of the universe.

There's this song that keeps playing in my head as time continues slipping away. It's Jem's song, "24". There's a line in the chorus that goes,

I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

When I hear this, I feel like Alfonso is telling this to me. Living a life of quality to its fullest was always so important to him. 

11:19PM EST....41 more minutes until the end of this year. I keep trying to tell myself that it's only another day, but I can't seem to actually convince myself of this. Maybe if I just keep trying?

11:24PM EST....I don't want to let go of anymore minutes. I want to hold onto all 36 minutes as tight as I can!! But..................knowing that is irrationally impossible, I'm going to make myself..........do...... do what's best to keep living. It's what Alfonso would want me to do. Whenever I didn't feel like doing something, and if it was needed to be done, he often would quote Tony Robbins to me, "Motion creates emotion." So even though I don't feel like getting up and bringing in the new year with anyone, I'll put one foot in front of the other and do so. Perhaps the motion will lessen the emotional panic inside of me. Plus, who better to bring in the new year than my baby sister, my nephew, my niece, and our mutual friends? Alfonso will still be my side; I know he will be.

So, with 18 minutes left of 2011, I wish you all love, inner peace, and lots of happiness for 2012. Don't forget to take the time to let those that you love know how important they are to you on a regular basis. It's too easy for all of us to take life for granted sometimes; we forget how temporary it really is.

Joaquin (Al's brother), Alfonso, and Magda (Al's cousin), and his cousin, Ray, in the background, in our kitchen.
This wasn't New Year's Eve, but it was one of our annual holiday dinners at our home.
Family was/is most important to Alfonso; he cherished all of them (us) so much.
(And he would be SO mad if he knew I posted this pic...he hated his hair in this pic! lol...Sorry, my love!
But you are still beautiful to me!)

___________________________________________________________

2012 UPDATE - 4:41AM EST

The last 10 minutes of 2011, I spent with my little sister, Krystal, my nephew, Kaleb, my niece, Kyleigh, and our friends. The advice that Alfonso would normally give me, "Motion creates emotion", was successful, as it always has been. I didn't cry; I actually smiled & laughed and gave my sister, nephew, and niece kisses & hugs as the new year came in. I was in the moment and was doing pretty good. I stayed a few hours after, and I'm glad that I went down there to be with my family. It's not as if I get the opportunity very often to celebrate a new year with my little sister and the munchkins (I really can't remember the last time we were together for this). Of course, now as it's quieted back down, Alfonso is heavy on my mind again. I miss him. I wish he was here to share kisses with me as the clock struck midnight. Perhaps he did kiss me, and I just didn't realize it. Yeah...I'd like to think that is what happened. 

3 Days Before Xmas...Words of Advice

I'll give fair warning now: this blog will lack organization and my thoughts will be scattered. I am overloaded & overwhelmed with emotions at this moment. Nothing is organized in my head right now. I'm a disheveled mess. 
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I've been emotionally needing to blog for many, many days (maybe a few weeks? I can't remember), but I've been avoiding it, because all it does is confirm that I'm without him. And I'm good at avoiding things that cause me discomfort (my avoidance technique used to irritate Alfonso a lot; his method was to just deal with the discomfort head on and get it done and over with; he always encouraged me to do the same). I hate this. I hate feeling like this...helpless, hopeless, abnormal, alone, destroyed, lost, disbelieving, tortured, et cetera. I don't know how many hours I have wasted today sitting in this recliner and mindlessly surfing the internet while listening to hours of his favorite band, Five Finger Death Punch. I don't know why, but it kind of makes it feel like he's near when I listen to them. He listened to their CDs over and over again until he wore them out. Anyway, I have literally wasted countless hours today doing not a single thing productive...not that many of my other days have been very productive, either.

It's 3 days until Christmas, and as each day gets closer, the air gets denser and feels too heavy & nearly impossible to breathe in. Last year, Alfonso was on the road and didn't get home until less than a week before Christmas. He told me not to buy a tree, because he had a surprise for me. When he got home, he brought in this beautiful, full 9 or 10 foot Xmas tree. It was gorgeous. I can still remember the smile on his face as he saw my face light up. I can remember the embrace as I hugged him tightly...and the kiss I gave him for being so awesome. If I close my eyes, I can see it all as if it's happening now. I know people say to hold onto the memories, but these memories are pure torture and agonizing for me!!! Honestly, I feel as if amnesia would be the most merciful thing for me right about now. I am dreading these next 72 hours. More so, I'm dreading the New Year, because that will officially mark a new start, of a new life, of a new year.................without him............ forcing me to further let go of  him. I don't want to let go!!!! But I know it doesn't matter how hard I try to hold on; he's not coming back. My head still can't wrap around the concept of never mortally seeing him ever again. It just does not compute!!! It's like a confused child who can't understand what is taking place...just clueless & befuddled.

The world is still very dark for me. I look around at the people, nature, and other things that used to be beautiful, and all I see is everything lackluster and grey. It's as if my soul & joy in life has been yanked out of my body, and all that is left is this shell of me. I focus hard to keep smiling and laughing on the outside, and I'm trying to be genuine, and I'm hoping that one day I'll convince myself that I'm happy. But in the meantime, as I laugh or smile, there's this constant little voice inside of me with a slight-maniacal laugh that says to me, "Yeah right. Who do you think you're kidding?" The best way to describe the duality that I juggle with 24/7 is that on the outside of me, it is often what appears as a bright, sunny, perfect temperature kind of day with a light breeze...just perfection. But on the inside rages this never-ending hurricane...dark, gloomy, cold, persistent, high winds...destruction & disaster. I'm starting to get really good at balancing the two worlds simultaneously. But I know it's not healthy, and honestly, this is not how I want to live. I do want to be happy again, and when I smile and laugh, I want to whole-heartedly be in that moment. But I don't know how to achieve it; I'm looking down a very long tunnel that's miles and miles long, and there's no light in sight. It's as if I am aware that there is this light at the end of the tunnel, because so many people have told me so. And I want to believe them, but I just haven't seen any proof of it yet, and some days it is harder to believe these other people.

Fuck. It literally just dawned on me, at this very moment, that December 25th, will mark exactly 2 months since this nightmare, and his mortal ending, began. Goddamn it. :-(  Why did I have to go and figure that out?? How can 2 months have passed already?!? Two months without his touch....two months without his laugh, smile, voice, kiss, embrace, jokes, dialogue, compliments, cuddles, hugs, love...two entire months. I thought this is supposed to get easier as time goes on, so why does it feel like I keep sinking deeper and deeper into this dark abyss???

To help escape reality sometimes, I've been going onto this website that's similar to Facebook, but it's not nearly as advanced. It has chat rooms (kind of like the old AOL that was so popular back in the mid to late 90s). A lot of people are there to pick up on others or "find their soul mate"; not me. I'm just there strictly for it to serve as a new distraction from all that is familiar. I want nothing more from these people than some cheap entertainment to force me not to think about real life...even if temporary. So as these multitude of people are hitting on me (I have a profile, which has a picture of me, which has very basic but vague info about me), I'm realizing something. See, I'm polite and I'll chat to a few, and the more that I chat with these random strangers, the more I realize how unique Alfonso was. I have never in my life had someone so mentally stimulating. The very first night we hung out, we spent nearly 12 hours of talking to each other about subjects near and far. And the next 2 following nights were the same way...just endless hours of talking about so many topics of interest. As our relationship grew, there would be many mornings when we'd wake up within a few minutes apart, and we'd lay in bed and talk about the world, or goals, or ideas for a few hours. I have never been so turned on and attracted to someone like him...his intelligence & ability & knowledge just amazed me. And of course, he loved it, because I could keep up in conversation with him and had a lot to say, too. As I try to have a decent conversation with these random people (after weeding out the "Hey, you're hot. You wanna hook-up?" morons), I'm finding that what Alfonso and I had was such a rarity. I mean, don't get me wrong...Alfonso was physically HOT and GORGEOUS, and that turned me on. But his intelligence & knowledge took me to a whole new level of attraction. It makes me a little concerned about moving on...I'm honestly scared that my standards will be too high to ever find a happiness with someone like I shared with Alfonso. I don't foresee someone being able to intellectually, emotionally, and physically stimulate me, altogether, like he did. I know that it is too soon to start worrying about that, but that's my personality...I'm always thinking ahead and planning/concerned for the future. I'm trying hard to practice the whole "be in the moment" thing (so many times, he would tell me just to "be in the moment"), but it's so difficult. Especially when this present moment is not where I want to be, as it is.

I don't know how anybody else has managed to live through this and be happy again. I'm sure it's possible, but I see no proof of it when it comes to me. Logically I know this has to be just my grief talking. But right now, my logic is limited. I am striving so hard to "live each day to its fullest"; exactly what Alfonso has always wanted for me. He sacrificed so much to provide for me and to give me whatever I wanted so that I would be happy (emotionally & materially), so I know to let my life waste away, it would be a dishonor to his hopes & desires for me. But at this point, I just don't feel like I have it within me to be who he wanted me to be. The constant agony overrides my abilities. And what's ironic is that I loathe feeling like this!!! One of his favorite self-created quotes was, "We choose our own suffering." And if he was here right now, I know exactly what he would tell me. He'd say to me,

"Baby, as much as I want to, I can't save you from your own self; only you can save yourself. Nobody else can do it but you. You can either choose to continue suffering, or you can choose to do something about it and find what it takes to make you happy & fulfilled. But if you do nothing about it, you are making the choice to suffer...but that's the key component...you are making a CHOICE."

God, the patience that he had for me was amazing. I can be a very frustrating person for someone who is emotionally involved with me; I have dealt with chemical depression since childhood & I have A LOT of internal/emotional issues, and sometimes it's hard for me to see the happy side of things even when everything is going great in my life. He was so patient and understanding. I mean, there were times where he grew very frustrated and lost his patience, but his love never waned, and he'd always try hard to understand what I was dealing with on the inside. Not to say our relationship was perfect...lol...not by any means! But it was still amazing in its own right. It scares me that I may never find someone of this magnitude again. Really, I don't want to find anyone else...I want Alfonso back. I know it's unrealistic, but still, that's what my heart, mind, and body wants. My heart has yet to be able to conceive why Alfonso can't come back...it hasn't reached that understanding yet, so it still yearns for him daily as if he was only gone on the road working and will be back home soon. My head knows otherwise and tries to console my heart, but my heart won't listen; it waits hopefully at the front door waiting for him to come home...just as a dog reverently waits for his/her master. My heart doesn't want to give up hope, as hopeless as its hopes are to be fulfilled.

I keep hoping that if I keep writing that the pain will slowly release. At least, that's what I've read...the more I talk about it or write it out, it's like releasing the poison of grief from inside. But at this moment, I don't feel any better from when I started writing this blog. I guess the poison runs too deep. I'm so tired of being trapped within myself!! I want out, and I want out badly!! But there's no goddamn escape from any of this hell. Not one single escape hatch to take to make the pain go away. I've spoken to some others who have lost their significant other, ones who have gone years without their other half, and they tell me that the pain does subside, but you never forget and it'll never be the same. I've heard this repeatedly, and I don't know why, but to hear those words, it scares me and offers me no condolence. It sounds like a horrible existence to me. I don't want to be like one of them! Not that there's anything wrong with these great people; I just don't want to be a part of this "club"! But I know this is beyond my control and it's too late; I'm already a part of the club. That can't be changed. I can already hear Alfonso's words to me,   

"My love, there will be times that you will be stuck in a circumstance that you have absolutely no control of; except, you always do have some amount of control. You may not be able to change the circumstance, but you can control the way that you deal with it. You can make the choice to accept the circumstance and do the best that you can with what has been given to you. You can make the choice to continue evolving and integrate it into your life and make it work for you rather than against you! You will always have choices no matter how bad it is. Find the way to make it work for you and use it to your advantage to help you grow and become stronger. It is a choice that only you can make."

Mi amor precioso...always so wise. <3

So, on that note, considering I'm still not feeling any better, but I'm growing more tired, I think I'm going to wrap it up. I'm going to attach a picture of our last year's Christmas tree that he brought home for us. Mi pobrecito...lol...he really disliked this photo of him (and would give me the evil eye if he knew I was posting this pic), even though I find him absolutely gorgeous & beautiful in it. Of course, I found him most handsome and beautiful even at his worst. He is always beautiful to me...mortally and immortally.

Christmas 2010 with the tree Alfonso picked out for me. <3

 

Alfonso added this to his Facebook on October 15, 2011.
He sincerely took this to heart and wanted me to succeed at this, too.