It's another sleepless, tear-filled night. Tonight I have literally spent HOURS searching for bereavement support groups for those who lost their spouse (I hate the idea of support groups, but I am desperate and need help). Well, my search didn't turn up many results. So then I started reading about other people's experiences with the loss of their spouse, which brought me to reading blogs written by widows. My heart ached even more so reading their stories and the comments from other women who have lost their love. I don't know why it is that when you find someone going through the same kind of experience, you don't feel as alone. I mean, I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends; I'm so fortunate for having so many people who love me, and I am thankful for them all. But sadly, no matter how hard each of them try, none of them can fill the void that is left inside of me. And so few can actually relate to losing their other half. It really feels like my arms & legs have been amputated, and I am left with only my head & torso. I feel trapped, immobile, and hopeless.
I don't recognize myself anymore. The person that looks back at me in the mirror is not who I knew prior to Tuesday, October 25th, 2011 (when this nightmare all began). I don't know who I am any longer. The man who would tell me daily how beautiful and gorgeous I was is no longer able to make those affirmations. Because of him, I felt like this strong, beautiful, precious 'Goddess' (as he would call me), but now... nothing; I feel as if I am nothing. I need to...I MUST...find myself again; I need to find that same beautiful woman he fell in love with. I need to find purpose again. I want to claw my way out of this perpetual darkness and find some rays of light once more. I have a long way to go. :-(
It's 5:41AM (EST...where I am presently at, in SC). Goodnight? *shrug* Goodnight.
P.S. I thought it would be a great idea to post a picture of Alfonso and myself at the end of these posts, and I just tried to. But apparently, I'm not ready for it yet, because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Oh well...one of these days, perhaps.
No comments:
Post a Comment